Being the minion, or flunky as I prefer to be called, of an evil megalomaniac isn’t exactly a career choice when you’re taking those aptitude tests in high school. There’s no one route to being evil, and likewise, there’s no one route to being a flunky of a man that is attempting to rule the world. As such, there was no application that I completed to be “Flunky 673″… It’s something I just sort of fell into.
I wonder what my high school guidance counselor would say about me now…
There are a few things that everyone should know about evil and its true nature. I’ll attempt to summarize as best as possible, and I’ll also try not to let my mind wander too much.
First of all, evil is insidious. Evil finds ways to make itself at home in even the most innocent of actions, thoughts, games, and toys like “It’s A Small World” on crack. Never underestimate the power of evil to make its presence known.
Second, evil is persistent. Like darkness, it is every where, hiding in plain sight like shadows under a noon sun. The moment the light dims, it slips right back in.
Third, evil is necessary! How can there be good without evil? How can there be light without darkness? What point is having a hero if there’s no villain? Yin and Yang, people, Yin and Yang!
Fourth, evil will lower your property value. Just saying.
Fifth, being evil is always a good ice breaker and conversation starter. Ladies love bad boys, and guys always stare at the bad girls.
Sixth, evil’s health benefits suck. When you complain to your evil boss about not having dental, he’ll just laugh in your face saying “What did you expect? Perhaps a 401k as well?” Thank you Mr. Obama for health care reform, maybe I’ll actually be able to get my blood pressure under control some day…
Lastly, the evil retirement plan is even worse than one might expect. There’s no retirement home for evil flunkies, no sunny pastures for minions of the past. We’re used up and discarded. Perhaps if we’re lucky, we’ll get a double tap to the back of the head to bring a swift end to it all.
I think that about covers the basics of being in the evil line of work, but be sure to post any questions you may have…