Ghaddammit, Ted!!

Tonight, courtesy of a very good friend with all the right connections, I managed to see a preview of the film Ted (Seth MacFarlane, 2012), which opens this Friday. The film, in case you’re unaware, is about a grown man John (Mark Wahlberg) and the teddy bear, Ted, which came to life when he was a lonely 8 year old kid. Obviously, the bear has been around the block after 27 years, and this film is really about them, and John’s relationship with Lori (Mila Kunis).

Before I go any further, let me emphasize this as best I can:


This is not by any definition of the term a “kids’ movie.” Just because it has an animated teddy bear doesn’t make this film for kids. Hell, I don’t think this film is for young adults even! I just turned forty, I’ve lived a lot of life, I’ve thought a lot of obscene thoughts and used a lot of profanity, but this film sometimes made ME feel dirty…

That said, I fucking loved just about every minute of this movie. This movie pretty much has cornered the market on “what the fuck just happened” moments, seems to go out of its way to insult or make fun of every race, religion, and sexual orientation (with the possible exception of lesbians, who I think might be offended for being omitted…), and its very existence alone might well stir the more conservative parts of our country into demanding that the Production Code of America be resurrected and enforced again… It’s that obscene!

But it’s also that funny!

Setting a tone for the film, the opening minutes of the film include a little Jewish boy that was getting beaten up at Christmas simply for being Jewish joining his attackers in telling our 8 year old protagonist to go away. I am not making this up! The part-time narrator of the film explained that explicitly…! That scene ends with the narrator talking about how awesome a particular piece of military hardware is for no logical reason whatsoever…! But you know what? It works for some strange reason! I wasn’t the only one sitting in the theater laughing hysterically…!

I’m not a Family Guy fan. In fact, for the most part, I think it’s too risque for television and should probably never have aired on broadcast television. Hell, I’ll go as far as to say that it should’ve been cancelled or banned a long time ago. Ted, in some ways, feels like Family Guy taken to the next level without being that show in any way, shape or form. It’s bizarre at times, tender at others, sometimes serious, sometimes slapstick comedy… There’s tongue in cheek humor, there’s lots of explicit sexual innuendo and discussion, and there are things that you just don’t fucking see coming… In my opinion, Ted is the Avengers of the comedy genre for the summer… I seriously don’t see anything being even remotely close to as funny as this film this year. For the adult, that is.

I repeat my earlier warning, DON’T FUCKING TAKE YOUR KIDS TO THIS MOVIE. DO NOT. This film isn’t for them, it may not even be for you! Many of the jokes and references in this film are for people of my age and a lot of people simply won’t get them. Even if you think Family Guy is acceptable for your kids to watch, you better think twice before taking them to see Ted!

Rating? Errr…umm… 9.75 out of 10… I loved every minute of it, but I feel guilty and dirty for loving it… So I just can’t give it a perfect 10.

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